I know the latest pantie bunching issue is the question of where to put the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay.  Lucky for the governments, I have a solution. I have created a system that is full proof to ensure all prisoners are properly rehabilitated, grateful to be alive, and avid fans of Twilight series (I figure we could ease them into American culture with shitty books that have ABSOLUTELY NO SEX in them. Fucking Twilight.) Security will not be an issue because my husband is 6′2″, 220 pounds, and in the military. For what my husband lacks in security, my mouth will surely keep the rest in order. Bring those bitches to my house.

I know what you are thinking: “But Heather, that’s madness!! These are terrorists!” I know, I know, these guys are the worst of the worst supposedly. How do we know this? Because the governments have told us. Even though some guys are there with out proof of any crime committed, apparently the CIA has an ESP branch that can dictate secret messages from Dick Chaney’s bowel movements. It’s magical, it’s fool proof, it’s the CIA! I am willing to throw caution to the wind to help my fellow Americans who are too scared to move these people to maximum fucking security prisons which currently contain terrorists.

What will our prison curriculum be? Please allow me to take you on a little journey of a day in the life of a former Gitmo prisoner. Now there are several levels of Terrorists in our bunch, and I have conveniently broken them down according to this stupid fucking color system.  You may recognize it as the same that the governments made for us silly Americans that do not understand that a “low” terror level means everything is normal and “severe” is the god damn apocalypse. Please enjoy.

Green (a.k.a. “Low”): These prisoners probably should have been released about 2 years ago, but the funding just kept pouring in, so they decided to keep them.   Since they most likely aren’t actual terrorists, they have the calm demeanor to deal with tedious details of life I can’t be bothered with.   Need a discount on your cable bill?  Please, let my detainee ring up Time Warner for you and put a jihad on them.  The savings will be astronomical.  Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: Placing business related phone calls, dealing with my in-laws, coordinating celebrations (including the associated cake baking.  SEE: Yellow Group), preparing and sending monthly bills, feeding pets, yelling at neighborhood kids to get off my lawn.  

Blue (a.k.a. “Guarded” Wait, really? Guarded? Is that the terrorism equivalent of walking down the street in a bad neighborhood at night? Sigh.): The first actual level of terrorists these detainees will have the pleasure of learning how to keep our house secure from other terrorists.  They have the skill and know know to keep the Knight at bay, talk to the Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door, and jihad telemarketers.  Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: Learn how to be prepared for the second coming of Christ, screening all incoming phone calls, and walking with me down the street in a bad neighborhood at night.  

Yellow (a.k.a. “Elevated”): This group will have the opportunity to spread their culinary wings.  Detainees will learn how to shop for and prepare our daily meals and test for poison.  The Yellow group will also coordinate with the Green group to plan and prepare any meals for celebrations.  What is the perfect appetizer for your little girls birthday party? Jihads in a blanket of course!   Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: Shopping for groceries, clipping coupons, preparing food, cleaning the kitchen, making me coffee.

Orange (a.k.a. “High”): Being the worst of our merry little band of terrorists, these guys will learn about all the things I get done at the spa. This will include training in giving pedicures, manicures, facials, messages, etc. While it may seem unfair that the worst will receive the best training, please remember that these guys were successful in their previous occupation.  Their facials will utilize some of the chemical weapons they made from their previous life leaving you with that just jihad-ed glow.  Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: keeping me beautiful, keeping my friends slightly less beautiful than me, dealing with the debacle that is my husbands toes. 

Red (a.k.a. “Severe”):  Shit, the zombies have returned, the apocalypse has passed and we are all undead.  Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: Turning humans that are still alive into the undead, eating brains, walking around slowly, moaning.  

Please write your senators today to encourage the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay have the life altering opportunity that is my Rainbow of Rehabilitation.