June 19, 2009

An open letter to the person who stole Eric’s bike

Posted in Uncategorized at 5:38 pm by Heather B.

To the person who stole Eric's bike

May 27, 2009

Things to keep you afloat til Friday afternoon:

Posted in Hump Day, Time Suck at 1:10 pm by Heather B.

Here are a bunch of hilarious, strange, inspirational, and time sucking links from the Internet.  Please enjoy, the weekend is almost here bitches!

  • Prop 8 was upheld this week by California’s State Supreme Court.  Here’s a fun look into the future in a Post-Prop 8 America. Thanks Religious Right! (via TheFineBros)
  • Let’s face the facts: you will start your binge drunking (not a typo, I start earlier) in less than 48 hours.  If you want to aim high with your shenanigans this weekend, here are five stories of which to set the bar. (via Mental Floss)
  • Here is a cover to Kate Perry’s “Hot N Cold” that is better than the original and down right hilarious.  WARNING: Do not be drinking anything when this music starts, it is guaranteed to end up on your screen.  (via Nota Nitche) 
  • Want to impress your friends with your baking skills? Invite them over and use this recipe to impress their socks off!  (via Jokes Revenge)
  • For those of you who think you are anti-Twitter, just read some of the best Tweets from April and know what you are missing. (via BestTweets) 
  • Here’s that dog you heard about exercising.   It’s is amazing for three reasons: 1.) The Beatles, B.) that dog speaks Japanese, and tres.) my toaster strudel is done! (0:24).  
  • And finally here is a Wednesday hump day video.  Nothing says dance party like a turtleneck! (via Marissa0811)

May 23, 2009

What do you mean it’s not wrapped in bacon?

Posted in Fuckery, Movies at 10:15 pm by Heather B.

Terminator Salvation Review

**Potential Spoilers (honestly this bullshit spoils itself)**
After just watching Terminator Salvation the only question I have is: “Well, what was the god damn point of that?” Seriously, the only person in the movie theater who enjoyed it was the drunk guy who was sitting directly behind me. Let me tell you, he was having a great time unlike the rest of the audience. The problem with this movie is that there really is no reason for its existence. Nothing was explained about how everything came to be with in the Terminator plot, other than there will be more robots than the other movies said. That and GNR’s “You Should Be Mine” still irritates the shit out of the Cyborgs.

The dialog is laughable. The only scenes that didn’t feel like you were actually watching cardboard come to life were that between John Connor (Christian Bale) and Mrs. John Connor (Dallas Bryce Howard). It was interesting watching the two of them think/talk things out in the, er one maybe two scenes. Everyone else just throws cliche’s at the audience with no feeling or uses the same recycled action dialog. When people are talking, its a god damn mess.

This brings me to the second problem of this movie, the action (or lack there of). There are three maybe four action sequences. That’s it. This is a two hour movie with shitty dialog people. Four action sequences that are about five minutes in length are NOT going to cut it. When there was action, it was fabulous. Nothing new of course (because it’s in the hands of McG, a director who has found something he’s good at and is sticking to what he knows. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; there is just nothing new or exciting visual wise.). There seriously was not nearly enough. Sure the motorcycles were cool, sure the planes were cool too, but sadly underused. Especially since this movie takes place in nine years!! If you’re selling me bullshit wrapped in bacon, it had better be crisp and there had better be lots of it.

The other issues are that John Connor is apparently invencible surviving in not one but TWO helecopter crashes and the new “Terminator” wants to make sweet Cyborg love with female lead. That and the Govenator has a likeness in this picture. Yep, they made a CGI Arnold Schwarzenegger folks. Here’s a quick tip, balance the state of California’s fucking budget before you extend your cinema presence ass hole.

So, if you’re venturing out to the movies this weekend, see Star Trek again. Otherwise save yourself $12 and rent T2.

May 22, 2009

Rainbow of Rehabilitation

Posted in Fuckery, Politics at 10:05 am by Heather B.

I know the latest pantie bunching issue is the question of where to put the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay.  Lucky for the governments, I have a solution. I have created a system that is full proof to ensure all prisoners are properly rehabilitated, grateful to be alive, and avid fans of Twilight series (I figure we could ease them into American culture with shitty books that have ABSOLUTELY NO SEX in them. Fucking Twilight.) Security will not be an issue because my husband is 6’2″, 220 pounds, and in the military. For what my husband lacks in security, my mouth will surely keep the rest in order. Bring those bitches to my house.

I know what you are thinking: “But Heather, that’s madness!! These are terrorists!” I know, I know, these guys are the worst of the worst supposedly. How do we know this? Because the governments have told us. Even though some guys are there with out proof of any crime committed, apparently the CIA has an ESP branch that can dictate secret messages from Dick Chaney’s bowel movements. It’s magical, it’s fool proof, it’s the CIA! I am willing to throw caution to the wind to help my fellow Americans who are too scared to move these people to maximum fucking security prisons which currently contain terrorists.

What will our prison curriculum be? Please allow me to take you on a little journey of a day in the life of a former Gitmo prisoner. Now there are several levels of Terrorists in our bunch, and I have conveniently broken them down according to this stupid fucking color system.  You may recognize it as the same that the governments made for us silly Americans that do not understand that a “low” terror level means everything is normal and “severe” is the god damn apocalypse. Please enjoy.

Green (a.k.a. “Low”): These prisoners probably should have been released about 2 years ago, but the funding just kept pouring in, so they decided to keep them.   Since they most likely aren’t actual terrorists, they have the calm demeanor to deal with tedious details of life I can’t be bothered with.   Need a discount on your cable bill?  Please, let my detainee ring up Time Warner for you and put a jihad on them.  The savings will be astronomical.  Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: Placing business related phone calls, dealing with my in-laws, coordinating celebrations (including the associated cake baking.  SEE: Yellow Group), preparing and sending monthly bills, feeding pets, yelling at neighborhood kids to get off my lawn.  

Blue (a.k.a. “Guarded” Wait, really? Guarded? Is that the terrorism equivalent of walking down the street in a bad neighborhood at night? Sigh.): The first actual level of terrorists these detainees will have the pleasure of learning how to keep our house secure from other terrorists.  They have the skill and know know to keep the Knight at bay, talk to the Jehovah’s Witnesses at the door, and jihad telemarketers.  Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: Learn how to be prepared for the second coming of Christ, screening all incoming phone calls, and walking with me down the street in a bad neighborhood at night.  

Yellow (a.k.a. “Elevated”): This group will have the opportunity to spread their culinary wings.  Detainees will learn how to shop for and prepare our daily meals and test for poison.  The Yellow group will also coordinate with the Green group to plan and prepare any meals for celebrations.  What is the perfect appetizer for your little girls birthday party? Jihads in a blanket of course!   Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: Shopping for groceries, clipping coupons, preparing food, cleaning the kitchen, making me coffee.

Orange (a.k.a. “High”): Being the worst of our merry little band of terrorists, these guys will learn about all the things I get done at the spa. This will include training in giving pedicures, manicures, facials, messages, etc. While it may seem unfair that the worst will receive the best training, please remember that these guys were successful in their previous occupation.  Their facials will utilize some of the chemical weapons they made from their previous life leaving you with that just jihad-ed glow.  Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: keeping me beautiful, keeping my friends slightly less beautiful than me, dealing with the debacle that is my husbands toes. 

Red (a.k.a. “Severe”):  Shit, the zombies have returned, the apocalypse has passed and we are all undead.  Daily activities will include, but not be limited to: Turning humans that are still alive into the undead, eating brains, walking around slowly, moaning.  

Please write your senators today to encourage the prisoners of Guantanamo Bay have the life altering opportunity that is my Rainbow of Rehabilitation.

April 28, 2009

Mmmm BLT. Wait, what?

Posted in Fuckery, Media tagged , , at 10:22 pm by Heather B.

The latest fuckery the press seems to be churning out is the horrible swine flu, presented as if it were the boogie man with no end in site. The truth is that annually about 35,000 people in the United States alone will die this year because of influenza. While this statistic isn’t sexy enough to sell papers or raise ratings, it is the fact. The topic could spark insightful conversations about immigration and the state of health care in America, but those aren’t sexy. The only people who are actually talking about immigration are Beck and Hannity. Unfortunately, I can’t discern what they are even saying because when their mouths open, all I hear is white noise. No one is talking about health care other then them reminding us of washing our hands and not sneezing on people. The latter will never happen in my house because my husband is somewhat of a kamikaze sneezer. There is no forwarning when that man sneezes and you’re lucky to escape its wrath with your mouth closed. (I am immune to this strange affliction because my brother suffers from it also)

The worst part about the media created uproar about “Swine Flu” is that it can actually be bad for the economy. During a press conference yesterday the director of homeland security and temperary director of the CDC were expressing relentlessly how the recent influenza outbreak should not be referred to as “swine flu.” The obvious reason is that American farmers of corn, soy, and pork could all be negatively effected. This is a 15 billion dollar industry that while facing the recent economic hardships, now has to deal with the perception that their products can result in the boogie man living in your closet. Does Wolf Blitzer give a shit? Absolutely not. He’s got 3 hours of airtime and god damn it, those crazy eyes alone won’t push the ratings higher. Last night local, national, and cable news anchors all used the term “swine flu” when reporting the story. Not one reminded the public that eating pork has nothing to do with catching the influenza. Why would they forgo reminding people that BLT’s are delicious and safe to eat? Well because the suffering of our farmers is sexy and does sell. It would also then spark an argument about the inevitable bailing out of farmers which also, is very sexy.

It is absurd to think that the media is clueless about their own impact on Americans. It is also absurd that they are not absolutely held to the fire for their own shoddy reporting. I’m not accusing the mainstream media of reporting false facts, but there is something to be said about the tone of said facts. You can say: “A Dingo ate my baby.” and “A DINGO ATE MY BABY!” in two completely different ways. The reporting on this issue has been fear mongering in its worst form that has led me to believe that not only are the terrorists of today already in America, but also in our televisions, radios, and newspapers.

April 27, 2009

You’reUsingThisWrong.com

Posted in Media tagged , at 7:10 pm by Heather B.

(Note: for those of you who still don’t know what Twitter is, the easiest way to describe it is: Twitter is texting on the web.  They are short, blurbs of text that you can send to as many people as want to listen to you)

This morning while watching my local news the anchor said: “Miss California dating Michael Phelps? Go to our web site to find out.”   Michael Phelps relationship status is not fucking news, and frankly the statements itself is not news- it is a damn scavenger hunt (and unless I’m 12 and there’s a shiny new mint green scooter at the other end, it isn’t going to end well). This blatant lack of how to use technology was followed up by an anchor on one of the major networks morning news shows reporting “We will give you an sneak peek at the Exclusive Interview that we will show you later in the week.”  Again, this isn’t news and now that I know it exists, I can simply go to YouTube and watch the full interview your intern uploaded this morning.  At some point news networks need to realize that the big tease doesn’t exist anymore.  If you dangle a headline in today’s society and don’t offer instant gratification for our brains, we will simply find someone else who’s covered it, and probably covered it better.   It’s no secret that news organizations have simply no clue as to how to use technological advances, but the level of their ignorance bewilders me.  (Maybe it is because I was raised in a house that by my senior year of high school, if I asked my parents a question and they weren’t sure of the answer, I was told to “Go Ask Jeeves.”)

There have been significant advancements in technology use in news media, but even major cable news networks like, CNN really have no clue.  Sure they’re on Twitter,  sure Rick Sanchez has a “daily conversation”, but that isn’t harnessing the awesomeness that is the Internet. Watching Rick read what “Frogman290 in PA” Facebooked about the economy is the equivalent of me watching my parents play Super Mario Brothers for the first time.  They didn’t care about the game, or playing well as much as they wanted their two kids to think they were hip parents, and that shit didn’t work either.   Twitter and other social networking applications could be used to actually break news stories that typically wouldn’t be available to its users.  There are hundreds of thousands of journalists on Twitter and after they write a story, they twitter the link.  I can follow a journalist in almost every country across the planet making the global news seem much more local.  If Mr. Sanchez really wanted to impress me with applying Twitter and Facebook to reporting news I would hear about stories that hadn’t already been on that annoying news ticker all morning.  

Here is a great example of misuse of technology.  Recently CNN twittered a link to their story about the students in New York who have the swine flu (seriously CDC?  “Swine Flu”).  The people who did Twitter a reply pointed out that not only did the story not specify what swine flu is, but how it is contracted.  CNN is simply regurgitating it’s bad reporting onto Twitter.  Meanwhile, Google was busy with launching a way to actually track cases of swine flu globally via Google Maps.  It’s not surprising that Google is on the cusp of most significant internet advancements, but it is a surprise that news organizations don’t mimic these advances as they apply to reporting the news.   It isn’t hard to insert links of different stories to the location on a world map.  Come on CNN!  If you can create a hologram of Will.I.Am, you can certainly show a map with a hyperlink to a news story about the rising violence in the DR Congo

What news organizations seemingly fail to put together is the fact that the first news organization that incorporates print, TV, and web into a one stop shop for news around the planet will win.   It is potentially a big, lucrative win, and if you ask me, the smart money isn’t on an existing media outlet, but an existing technology outlet.  My ten dollars is on Google.

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